Being a pastoral musician

I’ll never forget the shame I felt when Jane, a choir member, told me how hurt she was that I hadn’t reached out when her sister died. I had avoided calling because the situation was complicated and I didn’t know what to say—so I said nothing. That was a mistake.

This experience taught me that being a pastoral musician matters. Many church musicians feel called not only to make music but also to minister—to serve with both skill and compassion. This dual role is especially meaningful to congregants, who often see their music leaders as both ministers and musicians. (To be clear, there’s no criticism of those serving purely as music directors where that’s the job expectation. Many such leaders still show remarkable pastoral sensitivity.)

I’ll admit, being a pastoral musician didn’t always come naturally to me.

But over time, I’ve learned a few key things:

Be Present. Reach Out. Show Up.

When tragedy strikes, don’t wait—call, visit, or send a note. A golfing friend and a bass in the the choir once told me it was during his hospital stay, I became his minister simply by showing up. These moments build deep trust and connection.

Don’t Rely Solely on Texting.

While a text can be a good first step, it can also be a form of avoidance. Depending on the situation, a phone call, handwritten note, or visit may be more appropriate and meaningful.

Ask for Help When Needed.

We’re not all trained chaplains. When uncertain about how to respond, seek guidance from a pastor, chaplain, or experienced colleague. I’ve often turned to Laurie Taylor, Director of the Grief and Loss Center of North Texas, for wise counsel on supporting others through grief or crisis.

Words Matter—But Presence Matters More.

We may worry about saying the wrong thing, but most of us are sensitive enough not to cause harm. Use “I” statements such as “I’m sorry for what you’re going through” or “I care about you.” Ask open-ended questions like:

Is there anything we can do to help?

Is there anything you’d like me to know?

How may I pray for you?

Remember Important Dates.

When someone dies, consider noting key dates like birthdays or anniversaries. A simple card on the first anniversary of a loved one’s passing means you, too, are remembering this loss along with those bereaved.

While the demands of music ministry are many, these small acts of care can have a lasting impact. We may not bear the title of Minister of Pastoral Care in these tender moments but being a pastoral musician truly matters.